I've Reached the Age Where I Understand Why Villains Want to Destroy the World

I'm not saying they're right. I'm just saying I understand how they got there.

There comes a point in every man's life when he stops identifying with the hero of the movie and starts thinking the villain might have a few legitimate grievances.

For me, that point was somewhere around 43.

When I was younger, I watched movies and thought, "How could anyone possibly become so angry at the world that they'd want to destroy it?"

Now?

I've spent 47 minutes trying to cancel a subscription I don't remember signing up for, and I'm starting to understand the appeal of a giant laser pointed at Earth.

Not that I would ever use one.

I'm just saying I'd like to know where the button is.

The Origin Story Nobody Asked For

Every great villain has an origin story.

The Joker fell into chemicals. Magneto experienced terrible persecution. Darth Vader had a complicated relationship with sand.

Me?

I called my insurance company.

Apparently, that's all it takes.

I spent twenty minutes navigating an automated phone system that repeatedly assured me my call was very important.

If my call was so important, why was I listening to a jazz interpretation of a song nobody has ever heard of?

Then came the voice:

"Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed."

Have they?

Have they really?

Because I've been hearing that exact sentence since 1998.

At some point, a supervillain isn't born from tragedy.

He's born from pressing zero seventeen times and being disconnected anyway.

Thanos Was Bad at Math, but I Understand the Frustration

Let's talk about Thanos.

For anyone unfamiliar with the Marvel universe, Thanos was a giant purple gentleman who believed the universe had too many people consuming too many resources.

His solution was to eliminate half of all life.

Obviously, this is a terrible idea.

For starters, imagine spending years collecting magical stones capable of rewriting reality and never considering the possibility of simply creating more resources.

Buddy.

You have a glove that can alter existence.

Make more sandwiches.

But I do understand looking around at humanity and occasionally wondering whether we've fully thought things through.

Especially at Costco.

Why are we abandoning shopping carts in parking spaces?

Why are people stopping in the middle of an aisle to have family reunions?

Why does everyone suddenly forget how to walk when they enter a grocery store?

I don't want half the population to disappear.

I'd settle for everyone remembering that other people exist.

And perhaps returning their carts.

International Diplomacy Could Use a Group Chat

I've also reached the age where I watch world leaders disagreeing and think, "Have we tried getting everyone in the same room with snacks?"

I'm aware that international diplomacy involves centuries of history, complicated alliances, economic interests, security concerns, and cultural differences.

I'm not suggesting these things are simple.

I'm suggesting we've successfully coordinated children's birthday parties involving twelve eight-year-olds, two inflatable bounce houses, and a cake that arrived with the wrong name.

Surely some of those organizational skills are transferable.

Imagine a United Nations meeting where someone walks in and announces:

"Nobody leaves until we figure out whose turn it is to bring the juice boxes."

Countries disagree about borders, trade, resources, and security.

Meanwhile, every nation on Earth can probably agree that printers are terrible.

There's our starting point.

Forget the complicated opening statements.

Let's establish common ground.

"Does anyone here own a printer that works consistently?"

Silence.

"Excellent. We have achieved our first unanimous resolution."

And honestly, maybe international negotiations would benefit from a designated dad.

Someone who stands up halfway through an argument and says:

"I don't care who started it. I'm ending it."

Not a foreign policy strategy, obviously.

But as a father of twins, I can confirm the sentence has a long and distinguished history of being completely ineffective.

The Real Villains Are Minor Inconveniences

Hollywood has convinced us that evil arrives wearing a cape, commanding an army, or sitting in a suspiciously elaborate underground headquarters.

That's nonsense.

Evil is the person who invented the CAPTCHA.

"Please select all squares containing a traffic light."

Is that a traffic light?

Or is that three pixels of a traffic light?

Does the pole count?

WHY AM I PROVING I'M HUMAN TO A MACHINE THAT CAN'T RECOGNIZE A BUS?

Evil is also:

• A website that requires you to create an account to read one paragraph.
• A restaurant menu accessible only through a QR code.
• A printer claiming it's out of cyan ink when you're printing a black-and-white document.
• A streaming service asking if you're still watching after you've clearly committed to doing absolutely nothing all afternoon.
• A password system that requires a capital letter, a number, a symbol, and apparently the blood of your ancestors.

None of these things individually justifies constructing a death ray.

But cumulatively?

I can understand why someone might start browsing Zillow for an abandoned volcano.

Darth Vader Just Needed Better Work-Life Balance

Consider Darth Vader.

This man had a demanding job.

He managed an enormous organization, dealt with incompetent employees, traveled constantly, and reported directly to a boss who was famously unpleasant.

His work environment was terrible.

No windows.

Everything was gray.

His office was literally a space station designed to destroy planets.

And somehow, despite all that, he was expected to remain calm when employees repeatedly failed to follow basic instructions.

I'm not defending the Force-choking.

That's an HR nightmare.

I'm simply suggesting that perhaps Darth Vader needed a vacation.

Somewhere tropical.

With a beach.

Actually, no. He probably wouldn't enjoy the sand.

The Older I Get, the More I Appreciate the Villain's Schedule

Heroes have exhausting lives.

They're constantly running around saving people, responding to emergencies, attending dramatic confrontations, and getting dragged into situations that could have been resolved through a polite email.

Villains?

Villains have headquarters.

They have chairs.

They have elaborate plans.

They delegate.

A villain can sit in a giant leather chair, stroke a cat, and announce that phase two of the operation begins tomorrow.

That's management.

Meanwhile, Batman is spending his evenings getting punched by strangers in alleyways.

At 23, I thought Batman had the coolest life imaginable.

At 43, I'm wondering whether he has considered getting eight hours of sleep.

Bruce, you're a billionaire.

Buy a comfortable mattress.

Maybe the Heroes and Villains Aren't That Different

Here's the thing.

I don't actually want to destroy the world.

I like the world.

I like people.

I like laughing with friends, watching movies, finding interesting things, and occasionally having a conversation that lasts three hours because nobody wants it to end.

I love seeing my kids discover something new.

I love the ridiculous things humans create.

We invented the internet, space travel, modern medicine, and machines that can make coffee with the press of a button.

We also invented the reply-all email.

Nobody's perfect.

And that's probably the real difference between heroes and villains.

Both get frustrated.

Both see things they wish were different.

Both occasionally wonder whether the world has completely lost its mind.

But the hero wakes up the next morning and decides it's still worth trying to make things better.

The villain builds a giant laser.

Personally, I'd rather make someone laugh.

It's cheaper, considerably less destructive, and doesn't require a secret underground laboratory.

Although I wouldn't turn down the laboratory.

Especially if it had a really comfortable chair.

And a printer that worked.

Because if I ever do become a supervillain, I promise you this:

It will be because of a paper jam.